


i'm not sure what peace is supposed to feel like but i think it may feel a lot like you

by RegalPotato



Series: Liv/Helen tumblr prompts [2]
Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (Big Finish Audio), Doctor Who: Eighth Doctor Adventures - Various Authors
Genre: Angst, F/F, Go Easy On Me, Tumblr Prompt, i wrote this in a couple of hours in a sleep deprived haze
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 02:05:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17112395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RegalPotato/pseuds/RegalPotato
Summary: tumblr prompt: things you said that i wasn’t meant to hearHelen doesn’t hear the Doctor’s response - if he even gives one at all - her ears suddenly filled with the roaring sound of her pulse, beating so strongly she has to wonder how she’s still standing with the force of it. She needs to leave, to curl up on her bed and process everything she shouldn’t have heard, but her feet still refuse to move.





	i'm not sure what peace is supposed to feel like but i think it may feel a lot like you

**Author's Note:**

> I struggle with Helen's POV so I hope this isn't trash.
> 
> \--
> 
> Written pre-Ravenous 3.
> 
> Contains Ravenous 3 and 4 speculation based on the imps calling Helen 'creator of monsters' in Better Watch Out.

* * *

 

 

“When someone loves you, the way they talk about you is different."  ― Jess C. Scott, The Intern

 

 

She knows she shouldn’t be eavesdropping, her mother had raised her better than that afterall, but there’s something about the passion in Liv’s voice and the stern response from the Doctor that has Helen’s feet halting just outside the control room.

 

Liv is pacing up and down past the bookcases, and Helen can just make out the slightly pained expression on her face. The Doctor’s turned towards the console, face hidden from Helen’s view, but his shoulders are tense, his whole body uneasy.

 

They’re arguing, she realises with a start, pressing herself against the wall to find a better angle from which to watch them. Liv and the Doctor rarely fight, as much as they insult each other with fond familiarity, and the sight has Helen worried but intrigued. Because the last time they had argued - truly argued - had been when they’d all thought they were going to die in a Gallifreyan escape pod.

 

As far as Helen knows, despite all their recent troubles, there is currently nothing putting them at risk, no danger threatening their lives, so she continues to curl herself against the cool metal of the TARDIS corridor and tries her hardest to pick out what Liv is saying.

 

“This is ridiculous. We are not having this conversation.”

 

“What would you call this then?”

 

“ _Don’t_ , don’t twist my words. She’s _Helen_ , Doctor. _Helen._ She’s saved our lives.”

 

“I know. And I’m sorry. But she’s not _just_ Helen anymore.”

 

Helen swallows back the sudden lump of emotion rising in her throat, tears pricking at the corners of her eyes. She knows the Doctor hasn’t quite accepted her back, that things are not quite the same since the Sonomancer had gifted her and the Eleven had stolen her away. But things had been getting better until this point, especially after whatever had taken place in Salzburg.

 

“I...I can’t even believe I’m listening to this. She’s our friend, our best friend. She’s...she’s _Helen._ How can you stand there and act like she means nothing to you?”

 

“Liv…”

 

“No, don’t do this…She saved us from _Hell,_ for one. Almost killed herself doing it.” Liv’s voice breaks slightly at that, and the lump of emotion begins to burn where it’s taken up root in Helen’s chest. “How can you stand there and act like she’s not everything she’s always been? Good and pure and trusting. _Helen.”_

 

A tear manages to escape its confines, rolling down Helen’s cheek to fall gently from her jaw. She wipes away the track it’s left on her skin, watching as Liv’s pacing grows more and more furious. She still refuses to talk about what had happened in Austria, her eyes glazing over with a far away look of pain whenever Helen tries to bring it up, but Helen knows it was something important from the way Liv is currently defending her so adamantly. Affection bursts warmly across her chest, only to be smothered instantly as the Doctor’s snort of dismissal wounds her just as deeply.

 

“That doesn’t matter. Her powers are growing. The Ravenous _obey_ her, Liv. She can’t be trusted, not when she holds that much control over one of the most dangerous species in the entire universe.”

 

Helen spins away from the control room, back pressing hard against the wall as she squeezes her eyes shut and tries to force back the wave of nausea suddenly threatening to overwhelm her. Discomfort crawls up her spine, like the claws of the beasts the Doctor refers to as the Ravenous digging into her skin from the inside. She lets out a gasp, mind scrambling to push back the voices in her head, and finds herself thinking of Liv - her face, her voice, her soft emotion-filled eyes and bright smile. It works, slowly, Helen’s heart rate slowing, lungs drawing in more oxygen and allowing her to breathe. Liv is her anchor, she’s found, her way back to sanity when everything threatens to overwhelm her.

 

Helen pushes her hair back from her face, and turns to press herself back into the wall, eyes finding Liv’s figure instantly as she continues to pace past the bookcases. Their argument carries on, her friends oblivious to Helen’s unnerved presence.

 

“What if it was me?” Liv shouts, her pacing coming to a sudden stop as she turns to face the Doctor with a hardened stare. “What if it was me and not Helen? Would you give up on me so easily? After everything we’ve been through?”

 

There’s a pause, Liv glaring furiously towards the Doctor, her eyes shining with a sheen of unshed tears. The Doctor sighs, head dropping forwards as his shoulders sag in defeat.

 

“No. You’re right. I’m sorry, I should trust her like I trust you. She’s done nothing but help us.”

 

“Helen never asked for this, Doctor. She never even saw the Earth’s first moon landings, and now we’re dragging her across space and time as if she should be able to cope as easily as us. And yet she’s still saved us, time and time again. The Sonomancer did this, the Eleven did this. Not Helen. Not her.”

 

“You care about her a great deal, don’t you?” comes the Doctor’s reply, his voice suggesting he already knows the answer and has done for some time.

 

Helen knows she’s overstayed her welcome, knows she should never have started listening in on a conversation she wasn’t meant to hear. But at the Doctor’s question, something locks her feet into place, a sudden overwhelming need to hear Liv’s reply thrumming through her veins.

 

“I…” Liv slumps forwards into the console, hands resting between the levers and dials, and turns her head away from the Doctor’s no-doubt enquiring gaze. “I think I’m falling in love with her. No, that’s not right. I think...I think I’m already there. And maybe...maybe that blinds me to whatever you think you’ve seen, but I trust her with my life, with _our_ lives. Always. And I won’t let you shut her out, Doctor.”

 

Helen doesn’t hear the Doctor’s response - if he even gives one at all - her ears suddenly filled with the roaring sound of her pulse, beating so strongly she has to wonder how she’s still standing with the force of it. She needs to leave, to curl up on her bed and process everything she shouldn’t have heard, but her feet still refuse to move.

 

_I think I’m falling in love with her. I think I’m already there._

 

The words echo on repeat, reverberating in her skull, a mantra of everything she thought she wanted and yet everything she never thought she’d get to have.

 

Liv Chenka, brilliant and tough and ever so wonderful, loves her. Her hands are shaking, breaths coming far too quickly, and by the time Helen realises she’ll be caught if she doesn’t move soon, the sound of Liv’s gasp is already reaching her.

 

Helen turns slowly, already knowing what she’ll find, but her heart still thuds painfully behind her rib cage as she comes face to face with Liv’s wide, horrified stare.

 

“Hello, Liv,” she says softly, at a loss for anything else to say, a slightly sheepish smile pulling at her mouth.

 

“How much did you hear, Helen?” is all Liv says in reply, her voice tense, almost - but not quite - angry.

 

“I…”

 

She’s not sure how to reply, her heart beating so loudly in her chest that she’s sure Liv can hear it. Her mouth has gone dry, and despite the slight look of betrayal in Liv’s eyes, Helen can’t find it within herself to tear her gaze away. Because Liv is beautiful, and there, and in love with her, and Helen doesn’t know what any of it even means.

 

“A rather large amount of it,” she admits, desperately wanting to reach out but knowing any such movement will startle Liv like a deer caught in headlights.

 

“Right.”

 

Liv pauses for a second, eyes burning into Helen’s, before she turns to leave. Helen panics, unsure of what to do but knowing she doesn’t want Liv to vanish just yet. Her hand jerks out to fold around Liv’s wrist, fingers tightening their hold as Liv makes to pull away.

 

“Liv, wait.”

 

She tugs, her height over Liv lending her an advantage, and almost causes Liv to crash straight into her. Without thinking, her other hand curls around Liv’s hip to steady them both, fingers grazing over bare skin as Liv’s shirt rides up over her waist.

 

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have listened. But you _were_ talking about me, I couldn’t just...I’m sorry.”

 

Liv stays silent, the line of her jaw clenched tightly, her gaze avoiding Helen’s. In the silence, the space between them practically non-existent, Helen finds her mouth moving before her brain can catch up with the words.

 

“What did you expect me to do, Liv? What would you have done if you’d walked in on the Doctor and I discussing how _you_ couldn’t be trusted?”

 

“That’s not-”

 

“It’s exactly what you were arguing about. I have a right to know what my place is here, and it isn’t fair for the two of you to keep it from me.”

 

Liv is warm beneath her fingertips, static coiling between them like the air before a storm. Helen’s heart is still beating a thunderous tattoo inside her chest, the soft scent of Liv’s shampoo invading her senses. She stops breathing, fingers tightening ever so slightly where they press against Liv’s skin, and before her friend has a chance to respond, Helen is dropping Liv’s wrist and curling her hand around her jaw instead.

 

Liv’s lips parts to answer - or to protest, Helen isn’t sure - but she doesn’t give her another second, dipping her head and pressing her mouth roughly against Liv’s own. Her hand moves from Liv’s hip to press gently against the dip in her lower back, fingertips shifting under her top to slide against the skin she finds there. Liv gasps, mouth opening further and letting Helen deepen the kiss, her tongue sweeping inside and causing them both to groan. Liv tastes like nothing she’s ever tasted before, a sweet mix of the tea she likes to drink and something so completely _her_ that Helen can’t help but push further against her, as if she can devour her whole.

 

She’s never met anyone like Liv, and doubts she ever will again.

 

Before she even realises they’re moving, Liv’s back thuds against the wall and they break apart with a surprised gasp.

 

“I feel the same way,” Helen breathes, pushing Liv gently against the wall behind her as if to make her point. “About you. You’re wonderful, Liv.”

 

Part of her feels hazy, like she’s in a dream, fear curling around her heart at the sudden idea that none of this is real. But Liv truly accepts her for who she is, for what she is; for every harsh word or harsher hand her father threw her way, there is Liv’s soft smile, and the sound of her voice saying: _“I think I’m falling in love with her. I think I’m already there.”_

 

Liv is staring at her, half dazed, the same fear Helen is feeling reflected back at her from Liv’s bright blue eyes. She swallows, thumb shifting gently over Liv’s cheek, and pulls her back for another kiss. It’s softer this time, less of the panicked need to have the feel of Liv’s mouth pressing against her own. Liv’s fingers are curled tightly into the bottom of Helen’s shirt, pulling Helen down and causing her to press Liv even harder against the wall.

 

She knows they need to talk, need to figure out where they stand, let alone solve Helen’s mess with the Ravenous. But right now, Liv is warm beneath her, soft sounds of approval and desire slipping from her lips as Helen continues to assault her mouth with her own.

 

“I love you, Liv Chenka” she says without pulling away, lips ghosting over Liv’s as she talks. “Promise me we’ll get through this.”

 

Liv pulls back, a hand sliding up the length of Helen’s body to tuck a lock of blonde hair back behind her ear. Her fingers trail gently over Helen’s cheek, moving to curl behind Helen’s neck.

 

“I won’t...I _can’t_ lose you, Helen. Whatever happens, no matter what, we’ll face it together. I promise you.”

 

And somehow, despite the whispers that still claw at her mind, the darkness she can feel pulling at her insides, Helen knows it will all be okay. Because Liv is there, real, alive, _hers._ And there’s nothing Liv Chenka can’t do.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed it :)


End file.
